Why Am I Still Here?

A Savage Roast of WNC’s Trumper Circus, Post-Helene and No Kings Rally

Fifteen years in this Trump-obsessed, muffler-mad hellhole of Western North Carolina, and I’m still howling: Why the hell am I still here?! This county of 15,000 hillbilly holdouts, 11,000 voters (6,500 GOP nutjobs, 3,500 spineless unaffiliateds, and 1,000 Democrats clutching their organic kale) is a redneck reality show gone rogue, now a muddy mess post-Helene.

I’m enjoying the photos of 65 Spruce Pine “No Kings” protesters (check that photo—signs like “KING MUSK GET OUT” and “IMPEACH TRUMP” flapping like a comedy goldmine) and thanking the universe for these sane souls. I’ve dodged tire piles, survived Helene’s wrath, and raised kids while losing my marbles for American Muckrakers. Why stay? My kids, my snarky gig, and a perverse thrill watching this Trumper circus crash and burn. Grab a popcorn bucket, laugh-till-you-puke takedown, plus a desperate plea to fund my madness at AmericanMuckrakers.com

This place is a clown car pileup with extra clowns. Trumpers, mostly white, occasionally nice, some dumber than a sack of hammers, cruise in F-250s with tires so huge they could squish a Yeti, engines roaring like a constipated buffalo. They worship the noise, waking the county at 10 p.m. because “freedom” means giving the cows PTSD. I’d rig my VW with a foghorn to blast “Sweet Caroline” past their shacks at 3 a.m., but I’m too busy mopping Helene’s mud. Their God’s on every ball cap, but other faiths? Satan’s mixtape. Most haven’t left the Southeast—passports are for “fancy” commies who bathe daily or vote for that “socialist” Governor Josh Stein.

Helene smashed us like a wrathful prankster, turning Spruce Pine into a swampy sitcom set. FEMA dropped $455 million for Western NC for food, housing, and repairs, with 785 workers hauling 12 million cubic yards of debris, like cleaning up after a tornado trashed a landfill. The state tossed in $1.4 billion in grants and $700 million in a Helene fund, while Governor Stein’s begging for $19 billion more to save WNC’s soggy rear. But the Trumpers? Clueless as a bag of rocks with amnesia. They skipped civics to wrestle pigs and think “FEMA” is a plot to steal their chew. They’ll cash the checks, then cheer Trump to axe it, cut taxes for billionaires, and tell Stein to shove his aid where the banjos don’t play. Trump’s FEMA even stiffed Stein on cost-share extensions, leaving NC with a $200 million tab - brilliant move by the cult leader - you geniuses!

Enter the 65 “No Kings” protesters—my heroes! That Spruce Pine rally (see the photo) is a laugh riot of sanity. Signs like “KING MUSK GET OUT—IT’S OUR SOCIAL SECURITY $$” and “IMPEACH TRUMP—BILLIONAIRE CRIMINAL” are a middle finger to Elon’s meddling and Trump’s grift, written by folks who actually read the room. Meanwhile, Trumper pastors are the real villains, turning Sundays into MAGA pep rallies, cussing Stein as a tax-happy hippie while drooling over a crude, sexual-assaulting, six-time bankrupt “Daddy” they slap on T-shirts or paint next to Jesus. These grifters own the churches, the land, and the souls, pocketing tax-free cash for mufflers that wake the county at 6 a.m. like a biblical fart contest. Booze? Smuggled in bags like it’s plutonium, funding book bans while they swear taxes are fake—until $70 million in state cash builds a “Christian” YMCA, a jail, and new school.

The poor Trumpers are a tragic punchline. Too proud to learn how government works, too stubborn to listen. They flunked school for Skoal and now think “budget” is a cuss word. Immigrants like Jose and Sons Yard Care keep this dump afloat, mowing lawns and poisoning golf courses for Trumper tee times. Mention a visa? “Deport ’em!” Can’t wait to see Bubba hack his hedges with a “MAGA” toothbrush when Jose’s gone. Yards are junkyard shrines: rusted Fords, pickups from the Nixon era, tractors dead since Truman, 12 busted bikes, and 47 bald tires—Trumper art at its finest. Books are for burning, school’s a scam, and their kids need a Bible and a crescent wrench. They gorge on fried lard and sweet tea that’s pure syrup, with Fox and Facebook as their gospel. Jesus is their prop, but “love thy neighbor”? Only if the neighbor’s packing heat.

Why am I still here, wading through this post-Helene swamp? My kids—9, 12, and 14—are my lifeline, the only lights in this dimwit dystopia. Their mom, a Puerto Rican artist from Penland School of Arts, dragged me here; the marriage tanked, but those kids shine brighter than a Trumper’s IQ. My home was wrecked to the tune of $200K and it’s not done yet. American Muckrakers is my other anchor—my snarky, truth-blasting Substack that pays the bills, roasting pastors who’d sell Jesus for a tailpipe and Trumpers who’d sink their own ship. I’m riding this myrth-fueled (mirth plus misery) rollercoaster, and I need your support. Subscribe to AmericanMuckrakers.com and toss some cash so I can keep skewering these clowns while dodging mud and mufflers.

The next fifteen years? Louder trucks, rustier yards, and more floods as climate change cackles. Helene’s $60 billion damage outstrips NC’s $35 billion budget, and Trump’s tax-cut dreams could kill FEMA, leaving WNC to float away. The county’s dying—aging out, losing kids, gutted by opioids. The “No Kings” crew will keep fighting, but Trumpers will vote to screw themselves, praising tax breaks for oligarchs while their roofs cave in. I’ll be here, raising my kids to outsmart this madness, cheering the protesters, and scribbling for American Muckrakers. Why stay? My kids deserve better, and I’m too ornery to let the MAGA circus win.

Living among Trumpers is a dark comedy where the punchline’s self-sabotage. They’re kind until you mention FEMA, holy until you quote Jesus, and free until Jose’s deported. The “No Kings” ralliers are the MVPs, while Trumpers cheer their own drowning—hilarious if it weren’t so tragic. It’s a county of ear-splitting trucks, shameless grift, and fools who’d burn their lifeline for a tax break. But hey, I’ll still be here reporting from the front line of Trump’s hellscape. It’s not that bad.

Please support me by subscribing or donating.

DBW