Some guys buy a park bench with their name on it.
Donald Trump became president and decided that wasn’t nearly enough.
So he renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. He brought back Mount McKinley because apparently mountains need branding. The Strait of Hormuz has reportedly been floated as the Strait of Trump, because nothing says “America First” like renaming a body of water we don’t own.
And then there’s the Kennedy Center.
Trump’s board tried to put his name on it. A federal judge basically said, “No. Congress has to do that.”
So naturally they found a loophole.
They put up a plaque with Trump’s name.
Then they named the plaza after him.
Then they renamed the Kennedy Center Honors.
Because apparently if you can’t legally rename the building, you can just keep putting your name on everything around it until somebody gets tired.
So we thought: Fuck it. If Trump gets a Department of Renaming, so do we.
THE DEPARTMENT OF RENAMING
Making Maps Great Again.
We have one employee, one Sharpie and absolutely no authority whatsoever.
Want to rename your hometown?
Do it.
Your street?
Done.
Your ex?
Obviously.
You can even rename yourself and receive an official certificate that is completely meaningless but looks fantastic in a frame.
I am now officially David the Magnificent Trump Wheeler of Spruce Pine.
My dog is still Poppy.
For now.
You can also visit the Trumplandia Atlas, where we’ve documented the real renamings, the proposed renamings, the court-blocked renamings and the ones Trump presumably came up with while sitting on the toilet.
And yes, you can buy a seat on our Board of Directors.
$500 for chairman.
$250 for vice chairman.
$100 for a regular seat.
No qualifications. No background check.
Money talks.
We’re calling it the Trump Model of Governance.
And there’s a gift shop.
Every dollar goes to American Muckrakers, because somebody has to keep track of this shit.
The joke, of course, is that this isn’t really about names.
It’s about power.
If you can put your name on everything, you get to pretend everything belongs to you.
Trump understands that.
So do we.
The difference is we’re making fun of him.
Get renamed before he gets to you.
David the Magnificent Trump Wheeler is the founder of American Muckrakers and co-host of the MUCK YOU! podcast, and editor of Muckrakers.Today
About the Author
David B. Wheeler is the president and co-founder of American Muckrakers, the Western North Carolina accountability organization best known for helping end Madison Cawthorn’s congressional career in 2022, the rare instance in modern politics of a sitting incumbent losing his own primary because somebody bothered to do the homework. Since then, American Muckrakers has turned its attention to Lauren Boebert, Ken Paxton, and a growing roster of politicians who confuse public office with a personal ATM. He publishes accountability journalism at Muckrakers.Today.
Wheeler co-hosts the MUCK YOU! podcast with Col. Moe Davis, the retired Air Force colonel and former chief prosecutor at Guantanamo Bay. He is the author of Color the Crooks, Case File #001: Lauren Boebert, the coloring book James Carville endorsed with the words “She earned every damn page. Buy it.” *He is also the founder of VoteROI.com, a political data company built on 86.9 million FEC records that helps donors figure out where their money actually goes, which, as this essay makes clear, is a question more people should be asking.
Before all that, Wheeler spent three decades in politics, elections, and event production in more than 50 countries on all seven continents. Along the way he lowered the Mississippi River, produced the first professional sports event ever held in Moscow, and produced the first marathon ever run on Antarctica. His political education started early: Page for the Iowa House of Representatives, intern in the United States Senate, and National Committeeman for Iowa on the Young Democrats of America national committee. David was the lead advance guy for then Senator Obama in Iowa City, Iowa, in October of 2006, and then again during his presidential announcement in Waterloo, Iowa, in February 2007. And, he has some good stories from both experiences.
An Iowa native and proud Hawkeye, Wheeler is a father of three and lives in the mountains of Western North Carolina, in the district Chuck Edwards is currently failing. He believes sunlight is the best disinfectant, filings don’t lie, and the loudest guy in the room is usually the one with the most to hide.
And, Beetlejuice Boebert claimed she was going to sue him. She never did, so David sued her in Federal Court in Denver and partially won.
Paid for by American Muckrakers PAC II (americanmuckrakers.com). Not authorized by any candidate or candidate’s committee. Donations made to American Muckrakers, Inc. are not deductible for federal or state tax purposes.
This publication is First Amendment protected speech and commentary on matters of public concern. All individuals referenced are presumed innocent unless and until proven guilty in a court of law. No portion of this publication may be used for commercial purposes without the written consent of American Muckrakers PAC, Inc. and David B. Wheeler.